By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
