I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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