I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
