Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
