I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
