i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
