Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
