Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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