after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
