yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
