You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
