on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
