Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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