This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
