I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
