I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
