How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
