Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
