my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
