I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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