We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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