I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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