sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
