It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
