I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
