These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
