i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
the raccoons are back...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
