I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
