Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
