i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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