Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
