remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
