shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
