i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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