There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
