After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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