Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
