It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
