I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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