Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My bed smells like the plague
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
