i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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