textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
