I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
