And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
