I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
