I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
