I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
