go do what you do best...puke behind churches
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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