did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
