So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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