i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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