He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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